My Perpetual Disappointment

Should’ve known right from the start
That you would go and break my heart
Put logic aside and took the chance
Knowing full well I would never advance
For once I wished I could walk away
Without regretting the decision I made that day
But you do it every time you get the opportunity
Almost as if you enjoy doing this to me
Is it too much to ask for me to get ahead?
Sometimes I wonder about what’s going on in your head
How could you do this to someone you love?
Then claim to be worshipping our God above?
Everything you do, you do for your benefit
And when confronted you refuse to admit it
You pretend that everything you did never happened at all
When the subject comes up then you put up a wall
For once I wanted to see that you really had changed
Yet you never really will; you and I will forever be estranged

 

I wrote this when I was fighting my mother for my own child. I have made mistakes; I don’t want to be like my mother and claim that I have been perfect because I absolutely have not. I don’t justify the things that I have done, only attempt to explain exactly why I am the way I am and why I’ve done the things I have. For some things, many things, I am ashamed and embarrassed. Some things make me furious, at myself and, at the world around me. My mother had her chance and she took mine away from me, just when I was realizing that I needed to heal. She prolonged that process, inflicting so much more pain than she pretended to try to prevent. I have drank too much in my life; I have my reasons and one of them is heredity. I know that I need to learn to work on my triggers and to go through another bout of sobriety to gain some clarity and have the mental capacity to heal. I haven’t been ready. I might be now; I’m not sure. I’m going to give it a shot. I can’t feasibly open myself up like this and not be clear and guarded with the tools I need to not go completely insane or kill myself with alcohol. I also don’t want to drive away the people I love anymore. Like the song’s lyrics, “I don’t want the world to see me ’cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” I AM broken. It’s going to be really hard for me to be honest and forthcoming because some of it is really ugly and I’m not proud of everything I’ve done. What I CAN be proud of is knowing that I mustered up the courage to
change. I can rest assured, knowing that I had the presence of mind to open up those festering wounds because they have been poisoning me my entire life and have a real capacity to kill me. I’m afraid of what it’s going to feel like, so I’ve procrastinated and made excuses. The problem with doing this is that the pain goes with me everywhere I go; I cannot hide from it. Even if I’ve moved to a new place and in the beginning nothing reminds me of anything, my behavior patterns remain the same because I’m still a tadpole. I want to evolve into a better version of myself, to welcome that metamorphosis that is constantly rapping at my window, begging to be let in. It’s all I know, this place I’ve built around me; I don’t know what anything else looks like. That is not a good enough excuse for me anymore. I’m toxic and I need a cleansing: spiritually, mentally, and pysically. It is time.

Author: jessicaambateman

I am a survivor of childhood abuse on the verge of speaking out. I have waited my whole life to have the luxury of spilling my guts and blogging is going to become part of that journey.

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