Subtleties

So I’m driving home from work and I already know that my guy has been home. I know because someone tried to log into my account on his PS4. I know that it’s the only device that my login is on because I just created it. I texted him today and wrote, “I take it you’re home.” He replies, “What does that pertain to?” He already knows that I know but he’s playing coy. He does shit like this to make me think he’s with someone at the house. Maybe he thinks it’ll make me fight for him harder; he’s dead ass wrong.

I already know that when I get home he’ll gaslight me about the sign in. I know someone did it because I got a text notification on my cellphone. Fast forward to later that night when I bring it up and he looks over at his dog and says, “Were you trying to play the Playstation?” It’s shit like this that he’s constantly doing to me. On the way home I start feeling queasy and I say aloud, “Are you listening?” I detour my thought train and continue listening to music when my arm starts itching, it’s my hives again. “Are you listening?” Ten more minutes into the drive and I start developing that headband headache commonly referred to as a “tension headache”; “Are you listening?”

These are all signs that my body is telling me that something is wrong. I should not be experiencing these things if I was coming home to someone that treated me the way that any human being deserves to be treated. He’s insecure and I knew that from the very beginning when I told him that I have a high IQ. I was stating it because he was already chipping away at me before I realized. Then came the “one upping”. I would buy him a Nintendo mushroom shirt but he’d be lost to the meaning of it and it’d be a waste of my money.

The point is that I’m asking you, are you listening to your body? Is it trying desperately to tell you something that, deep down, you already know? Mine is. Pay attention to the subtleties; you’re not going insane and this is really happening. We should be our own best friends, aside from having outside sources, we need to take care of ourselves. That means listening to the signs that your body is telling you. If you’re uneasy, it’s for a damn good reason and that shit doesn’t lie. If you’re walking around the house like you’re afraid to make the wrong move you’ve obviously been ridiculed enough to even have that fear. It’s not okay and your body is telling you that.

Our body is our vessel and no matter which way you look at it, we need to take care of it. In turn, it takes care of us. Eat better, work out, avoid people that make your body feel abnormal. We’ve only got one life and it’s important to recognize the telltale signs before we become a hot fucking mess and can’t get out. With the fight or flight response, my body is telling me to run. I can’t fight a losing battle, only retreat to safety. What is your body telling you?

Author: jessicaambateman

I am a survivor of childhood abuse on the verge of speaking out. I have waited my whole life to have the luxury of spilling my guts and blogging is going to become part of that journey.

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