Losing My Religion

Just like the song written by REM, I recall the moment I lost my blind faith in anything and everything, especially what I considered to be Christianity. This post is not to establish who is correct and who is going to hell; I’ve dealt with that argument enough within the past five weeks, not to mention my entire life. I wanted to believe that my mother loved me; I wanted to believe every time she came into my life after periodic “No Contact” that she was capable of changing. I now have a piece of paper that proves I’m not crazy and that she absolutely carries mental disorders that make her incapable of taking accountability, therefore incapable of reflection and change.

I went to marine mechanic school because I’m good at analyzing everything, except the motivations of others around me apparently. My mother “convinced me” to leave my daughter with her so that I could concentrate on my studies. I knew deep down that I should not have trusted my mother and I was being coerced in some very unfair ways because I simply did not know how to stand up to a person who always got her way in one way or another. My entire lifeline is riddled with instances where I was used as a vessel for my mother’s own sick, twisted agendas.

If I asked her for an explanation I would never get the one that I wanted. Evil doesn’t have a reason other than destroying good. I will refer once again to the previous comment I made about serial killers and their explanations for their actions. It doesn’t make sense and it never will, not to a person who harbors empathy for other living beings. Sociopaths see everything as an object, especially anything that breathes.

My mother used my daughter to hurt me because I questioned her motives and spoke against her when she married her client who happened to have a net worth of over a million dollars and Alzheimer’s. It sounds like a plot for a movie, and in my life, it felt just as unreal. She stopped letting me talk to her on the phone. I lost all ability to have any say in my daughter’s life, and before I knew it, I was afraid to even try to retrieve her. I knew what she was doing; I knew at that point that she had been working to gain custody of my daughter the entire time. I remember the time that my mother came into the house that I was renting from her and I remember her driving off with my daughter behind a locked door that I couldn’t open. It’s felt like that ever since…seeing my daughter’s face with that look and knowing that, even though she’s inches from me, I no longer have the ability to reach her.

I recall going to church with my mother, when she told me that she had once again found God. I remember the feeling I had when we would sing together. It felt powerful and healing and it was all a lie. When I was fighting my mother in court for my daughter she used all of the things that she did to me, all of those stories, she made me the abuser and my daughter the victim. That was like going through it all over again. The look on the judge’s face, and the judgement thrown my way, infuriating, maddening, and downright defeating. I had nearly given up on life.

When I had really started doing well and was taking care of myself I would take long baths every night after working out and I would listen to music. The portion of the chorus in the song, “Delicate”, by Damien Rice, nearly crushed me. My whole upbringing was centered around Christianity and I lost it as I was hearing the words, “Why’d you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to ya; why’d you sing with me at all?” All this time, everything that was instilled in me, all of the pressure that was put on me to be a perfect Christian…it was all a farce. As my blind faith faded, so did my ability to be 100% about anything ever again.

Author: jessicaambateman

I am a survivor of childhood abuse on the verge of speaking out. I have waited my whole life to have the luxury of spilling my guts and blogging is going to become part of that journey.

6 thoughts on “Losing My Religion”

  1. Dear Jessica,
    We have only recently become fb friends but I remember that I was in awe of something you wrote when I ‘met’ you. You are very courageous. It’s hard for me to try to even grasp a little bit of what has happened to you. Still you are here…writing about it. It is hard to feel like you have to fight demons all by yourself. I realised that christianity was a farce at a very young age. Having nuns as teachers was very enlightning to me. All I feit was sadness and bitterness…
    “Why’d you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to ya; why’d you sing with me at all?”
    Beautiful. And sad. All at the same time. You are doing ok my friend. I hope things will turn around for you.
    Love,
    Inge

    Like

    1. Your response made me cry. I’ve been through a lot and those things shaped who I am today. It broke my heart to have lost my faith and my mother (or the idea that I ever had a mother) both at the same time. It crushed me to think that I no longer had those things to lean on or to even look toward for guidance or approval. This was the beginning of my journey to self-discovery. I certainly made a mess of things but like I said in a previous blog, you can’t organize a room without first making a mess of things…you throw out what is no longer useful to you in order to create a space for something else.

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  2. I made a mess of things as well…
    A big mess..I had to say goodbye to a well functioneel body and brain. ms has crushed me. I have to move on…Even if I have to crawl…screaming…my son needs me. Letting go…
    We need to.

    Liked by 1 person

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