It seems such a feat to daily battle demons that you have tried to banish over and over again. It becomes exhausting continuing a fight that seems to be never-ending. Will it one day disappear? Or will it just get easier with time? I pushed it down, tried to force it into a place where it couldn’t reach me, but you cannot get rid of something that you still hold. I try to erase it. I try to hide it. I try to be stronger than I feel. At any given moment it can attack me, and I am forced to face daily struggles with a secret so monstrous that I feel as if I may break with the strength that is required to keep that inner demon submerged.
I have secrets that I’ve not told to many because they looked at me as if I had any control over what happened to me. I’ve been made ashamed of something that was both not my own and all alone mine. The kind of congruence that can make a person feel insane and helpless in it all. So maybe that warm embrace of the water is what I seek in my heart, that same exact feeling, as if I were naked and weightless.