Disquiet

Is the source of my unease inside of me?

I want to grab my breastplates and rip them outward so that I can release whatever this is

It consumes me, and I am captive to it, a proverbial cocoon

Feeling like I’m supposed to be doing something

I’m thinking that I forgot something important and I can’t place it

Then I wonder what is truly important, if settling down is really an answer

Because what’s the point? Life never goes the way you plan it anyway

I wanna run, hear my feet hitting the ground, to match the racing of my heart

I want to get on a boat and never look back, leave the shores and explore without reason

It feels that no matter what course I’ve steered toward, that I lost my ability to navigate

I’ve been drawn into this spiritual and mental black hole, having been on the event horizon

That enormous star, having collapsed in on itself, taking away with it all the light

My head pulls me in different directions, defiant toward the moment at hand

I hear the clock ticking, taunting me with the concept of time

My heart keeping right along with it nevertheless

Uncertain of my own veracity to continue on in a similar manner

I dream of being saved from the relentlessness of my mind, from this agony

Where I can shoot a gun, drive a truck into the mud, make love to someone in the moonlight

Or set up a tent in the woods, then stare into a fire until its intensity simultaneously burns away

And as it dies, I’ll scream like the way I constantly have been inside of my head

I can take the ashes with me, a symbol of what’s recently passed, as the warmth undeniably fades away

Always feeling like I’m not enough, that my lively side, the fun-loving side, is gone

That that side was what he represented in the flesh, yet another thing I cannot hold

I heard the songs that made us silly; I thought to call him, to let him know he was there in my moment

But the moment to call is gone and there is no one there to tell a thing

All my innermost thoughts, all my emotions that I never shared with anyone else

What sounding board do I have now? How can I stand to supply my own validity while I crumble?

There were things that made me feel useful, needed, significant

That disappeared the day I repeatedly said no, as if it would change the outcome

There must be some mistake; I’m the one that feels dead

Sometimes I wish it were me because I wouldn’t be the one left here, affected

I’d commonly been alone, however still a part of something beyond myself

What do I have now?

No sense of direction

No confidence in my actions

No best friend to relate to

No conversation that feels worth uttering a word over

My voice caught in my throat, as if it has barbs and means to stay

My shaking, I can’t help it

Is my weakness the symptom or the cause?

So many choices to make

Yet I’m crippled with immobility

Because moving forward means that he’s left further and further behind

Until the day when looking back, I can no longer see his face clearly

Or hear his voice and know he’s near

Or know if my mannerisms are a subtle mimicry

Or if they’re simply physical depictions of my resolve, asking myself to keep at least something with me

As the details woefully fade, blurring into the distance

I wave goodbye to a big part of my life, a huge part of my existence

Then try to fill the empty spaces that appear in his absence

Author: jessicaambateman

I am a survivor of childhood abuse on the verge of speaking out. I have waited my whole life to have the luxury of spilling my guts and blogging is going to become part of that journey.

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