I have not posted in a month. I’ve had my excuses. The thing that I need to remember is that life will constantly throw distractions at me and that is no excuse for putting the brakes on anything. So many times, my life has drifted past, while I was on hold for something that I may or may not have obtained. There is no point in waiting for something to be exactly right in order to start something or to continue. I’ve let this happen before and all the while I’ve allowed my life to become the shambles that I’ve so desperately tried to build up from its ruins.

So I was homeless for one night, then found a place to stay. Insert common loop of circumstances and I’m full circle, living with a man that I would not otherwise be living with, and feeling taken advantage of. The bargaining chip with which I feel I need in order to have validation in any argument is perceived, it’s not even real, like money. My worth is my worth, and no one can take that away. What I bring to the table in a relationship is enough without having to give merit to the fact that I entered the situation in a vulnerable manner. Anyone that truly cared about me would not use this to their own advantage.

This person who claims to have only wanted to help me, wants to keep me in his home, and to not have my own place. When I mentioned that I was planning on only staying there until I could secure my own apartment, it was met with discouragement and a lack of confidence that I could do it; #1. Red flag. This guy has mentioned a very painful thing about my life in public in a way that shamed me because I had asked that he buy me a salad instead of what he chose for us to both eat; 2. Red flag. Said person has used the place as a means to control me, i.e. he told me to get out right away because I had told him that I was going to talk to the apartments the following week; #3. Red flag.

These are all major things but there have also been other signs of a partner lacking in empathy and there has been a clear sense of trepidation in voicing my opinion on anything. This all because I have noticed micro-manipulations so subtle that no one paying attention would notice. I’ve been here before though. Any one of these things should be a deal-breaker. In fact, they are; he just doesn’t know it yet. I can’t let any of these things keep me where I am; I can’t let the worry and the fear paralyze me like he hopes it will. I have to keep fighting the current to make it to shore. I’m barely treading water at this point.

History has provided a great teacher to me. It has made me understand patterns that need to be broken in my own behaviors and thoughts and it has also been a great resource of information as to what I need to look out for when choosing a partner or choosing to leave a partner. Though I feel blameless at the moment because I am simply trying to survive, I have to remember that people look for that kind of in, and that’s a position that I did place myself in. What I need to do is remain strong and be reserved to the fact that I have made it before in the face of great diversity and I have prospered.

What patterns are you seeing? What’s coming full circle in your life? Is there anything that you can do to change that pattern? What is healthy and unhealthy to you? How has that changed from your perspective five years ago?

If I asked myself these questions I would see a stronger person with a better understanding of healthy boundaries and relationships. That means I’ve made some progress. Don’t deny yourself the validation you already have. Don’t look for external sources to verify that you are right. You have that inside of yourself, your own strength, your own voice. Don’t let your inner dialogue be poisoned by someone else’s chatter but find solitude in that place. Make that place a fortress that intruders cannot reach. Don’t make that the panic room because if you lock yourself in there you will never know when it’s safe to emerge. Be still. Breathe. You can make it. I can make it. You are strong. I am strong. We can do this.


Author: jessicaambateman

I am a survivor of childhood abuse on the verge of speaking out. I have waited my whole life to have the luxury of spilling my guts and blogging is going to become part of that journey.

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